i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
