my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
