enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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