I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize