If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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