there's paper in my vomit.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
