You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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