When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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