if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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