You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
