how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
