if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
