honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
