My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
