So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
