best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
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