dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
