At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
