Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
zippers are such a cool invention
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
