I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
