Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
