remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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