im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
