He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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