hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
