I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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