I'm lost and stupid without you.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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