I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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