you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
