he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize