youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
