Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
