i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
