I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
