i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
