Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
