I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
