She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
