Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
