My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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