i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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