just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
