then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
