If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
