while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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