Apparently you make a good broom.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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