You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
