I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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