At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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