My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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