My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize