It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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