I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
