OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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