I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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