our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
