I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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